Where shall I go?
My cat, she is playing with her shadow. I don’t know why this is significant to me yet, but for some reason it strikes me. She is content yes, she is entertained very much so, but… she is chasing her shadow. It’s like when she runs around in circles round and around and around trying to get at the appendix attached to her back end. Also known as her tail. She will chase at it for minutes, sometimes hours it seems and eventually she will go all out and tac it down only to realize when placed in her mouth and chewed, it is not so plesant. Not as plesant as she imagined.
Sometimes I feel as if I am simply chasing my shadow or attacking my tail. I work at it without cease. No rest. No calm. I go and go and go and go only to realize I have achieved nothing. Nothing for myself and nothing for anyone else. I have done it for so long now, thinking I have a goal in mind. A purpose worth pursuing and then I attain it and it seems as if there was nothing to attain. There are some who work a lot for a little. Some who work a little for a lot. Sometimes I’m not sure what I am working for. So hard, so diligently. Only to end up at the beginning. I dedicate my time, my emotion, my self to a cause only to watch it fall apart. Only to watch my place in it fade away.
Do I have a place. A place to invest. A place to share. To learn and to grow. I stand before God once again asking where shall I go? Who shall i become? I thought I knew. I really did. Where do you want me God? With whom shall I share life? What body shall I be a part of? Who will take me? I feel like the last in line. The one who waits. Waits for somone to decied they want them on thier team. They stand without saying a word affriad to be too showing. The appear unaffected. But inside they are screaming “PICK ME PICK ME!!!” I can do it. I want the job. Pick me! They stand, and wait. And in the end, they stand on the sidelines… uneaven teams, without a place, without a job, without a purpose.
God I know I have a place… a purpose, a vision, a goal… Who will pick me? I know I have something to give. Something that is not of myself but something that is of you. Placed in me by you. Where shall I go? Who wants me? I feel like the trash left in the dumpster out by the road. Something that once was usefull but is no longer. Because it was soiled, or broke, or just wasn’t needed anymore. Who will find use in me? Not who as in one, but who as in whole. What body will find me usefull. What place will become my home. I feel orphaned and oppressed. I feel shut out. I feel as if they use and abuse and then leave out by the roadside without a second thought.
I need a church. I need a church that wants me.
but I want the church… the church I came from.
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